22 August 2014
A Code for Dealing with Colleagues with Disabilities
Some Ideas for Discussion
Robert Hunter
The purpose of this note is to put forward some ideas on etiquette in dealings with colleagues with disabilities. The ideas are developed from my own experiences and my discussions with other friends and colleagues, both disabled and non-disabled. The article is not intended to be comprehensive or necessarily correct, but more as a discussion document. I would welcome any comments: no doubt it can be significantly improved.
We have not yet worked out comprehensive rules for disability etiquette. There are a few accepted ways of referring to or doing things and I have set some of those out as rules 1 and 2 below. There are more detailed summaries on the net, but the bottom line is that it is not rude to be unsure of the right thing to say or do. It is rude to show that you think there is something stigmatic about someone’s disability or to show that you have some disrespectful or discriminatory assumption about it. The rules that I have set out address some of the most common of these.
People can feel awkward dealing with disabled people. Studies show non-disabled people (even medical practitioners) wholly overestimate the extent to which disabled people with many disabilities suffer from depression. That is perhaps because they imagine how they themselves would feel if they suddenly became disabled (which can obviously be very distressing). Most people who have been disabled for a time don’t think about it. They think about football, politics, relationships or whatever, just like anyone else. The point I am making is that there is no need to feel sorry for us. At the end of the day life dealt us our hand of cards, just like it did you. Just because it includes a disability doesn’t mean that we are unhappy with it.
Rule 1 – Don’t use disablist terms
Most of the rules about terminology focus on avoiding “depersonalising” people with disabilities or suggesting there is something inferior or lacking about them. For this reason, don’t refer to disabled people as “autistics“, “the deaf“, “the blind” or “the disabled“. Usethe “People with” formula: “people with hearing loss“, “partially sighted people“, “people with specific learning difficulties“. “Wheelchair users” is perfectly fine also. Do not use the following “handicapped people”, “visually/physically impaired people”, “wheelchair bound people”, “people confined to wheelchairs”, or “special needs”. It is fine to refer to “running” in front of wheelchair users and “seeing” to people with visual impairments or who are blind.
Rule 2 – Be aware of personal space
Wheelchairs, crutches and microphones for people with disabilities are all part of their personal space. Do not lean on them, move them or pick them up without asking first. Respect bodily space also: offer your arm to a person with partial vision rather than taking theirs. To get the attention of someone who is hard of hearing it is acceptable to tap them lightly on the arm. Under no circumstances should you pat a wheelchair user on the head. Either talk to him or her standing up or sitting down. Do not bend down or squat to meet their eye gaze horizontally.
Rule 3 – Don’t treat a disability as someone’s defining characteristic
The impact of political correctness has made it unacceptable to feature certain aspects of colleagues in our working life. It is wrong needlessly to identify a colleague by their skin colour, race or by their physical attractiveness in a professional context. Not only is it wrong, it says more about the speaker and his or her unprofessional approach. The same is true of disabilities. When describing a disabled colleague, do not refer to their disability any more than is genuinely relevant for practical purposes. Doing otherwise displays a want of sophistication and also denies the disabled person the right to be regarded on his or her own merits. So say “X is a director who specialises in taxation matters” rather than “X is a deaf director“.
The point goes beyond how you describe people. Be careful not to assume that someone’s life and decisions in it must be all about their disability. People often assume that I have chosen my own place of work on the basis that it is a good place for a deaf person to be. I would not personally endorse it as a good place to work with a disability. But that is not the point. It is a good place to be a lawyer, which is how I see myself and what I do for a living. A similar faux pas occurs when people assume that a disabled person will be especially interested in stories that relate to his or her disability.
When it is genuinely relevant to mention someone’s disability, don’t make a big deal of it. Many disabled people will have encountered people who do so to be unkind. Be matter of fact. It is better to say “Mr Smith uses a wheelchair” than “Mr Smith …er…this….er…he broke his back some years ago and… well I think you should know that… er…he’s in a wheelchair“. Even when it is done with the best of motives, long winded approaches to the issue make all participants uncomfortable and risk giving the impression that there is something particularly stigmatic about the disability.
Rule 4 – Regard disability as a practical problem: nothing more
It is true that we label certain things as “disabilities” but, for practical purposes, the best way to think of a disability is like height or any other characteristic. Helping someone with a disability is no different to assisting someone who is short to reach something on a high bookshelf or speaking clearly to someone who is not fluent in English. There really isn’t anything “special” or embarrassing about it. People already know how to do it. It is just society’s stigma that makes them forget. Simple expressions like “want a hand?” or “can I help with that?” are best and easier to get out if you’re feeling unsure of yourself.
I have already mentioned that one should not define people by their disabilities. Be careful also not to define the problems that they encounter unnecessarily in terms of their disabilities. Even if the disability is relevant, a number of factors will be part of a situation of which it is usually only one. Suppose a partially sighted colleague becomes frustrated because the facilities they have to read documents are unreliable. It is common for colleagues to characterise the disabled person’s reaction as in some way “special” and part and parcel of the disability. That is not a useful way of looking at the situation, because anyone who is denied access to documents they need to read will feel the same. Sympathise with their frustration at not being able to get on with their work, rather than with the fact they are partially sighted.
Rule 5 – Anticipate and recognise over-reaction
One of the most annoying things for any disabled person is an illogical assumption that the disability leads to more extensive issues than is the case. An example (dealt with elsewhere) is in assuming that a deaf or blind person will want you to speak for them in their presence. A wheelchair user once told me about a job interview he had attended in which the interviewers seemed preoccupied with the question of whether he would be able to travel on trains. “Talking down” people’s over reaction to disability can be wearying, particularly when a little thought from one’s conversational counterparty would have made it unnecessary.
Rule 6 – Offer help when you see people struggling
Everyone is forgetful from time to time, but ignoring someone’s obvious and persistent difficulties is rude at best. Always offer help briefly and simply (e.g. “Would you like a hand with that?”). Do not help without offering first and giving the disabled person the opportunity to say if they do not want it. Make sure your offer is made to the disabled person directly and not to others who are present. So what help should you offer? As a rule of thumb, help that matches the difficulty in question (e.g. speaking slowly and clearly so a deaf person can understand).
Sometimes it is difficult to know what help to give, particularly if your colleague has a sensory or cognitive disability. Be careful not to assume too much about the extent of the disability. At an unconscious level this results in people speaking slowly to someone who is blind or in a wheelchair, but it can manifest itself in more conscious behaviour. Ask what help you might usefully give, and be as brief and as matter of fact as possible. I find that something short and simple like “what helps?” is good. If someone has a sensory disability and you are unsure if they can follow, then simply ask. “John, I’m not sure if you’re hearing this but we’re talking about X and Jane is saying Y“. Whether or not they can hear, it will always be appreciated.
Be careful when suggesting solutions to practical problems relating to someone’s disability. Disabled people live with their disability from day to day, so give some thought to whether the solution is an obvious one. The assumption that disabled people will not know what works best for their disabilities is an illogical and patronising one. Yet people can be quick to make it.
Rule 7 – Don’t insist
Never insist on giving help when the disabled person says he or she does not want it. The rule requires no elaboration.
Rule 8 – Don’t imply there’s anything special in a disabled person wanting a normal life
One of the most enduring images of the last century is a picture of Elizabeth Eckford, one of the Little Rock Nine, walking to school following the end of segregation. A Google search against her name picks it up. Her face shows stoicism and dignity whilst behind her a white women snarls abuse. The crowd reportedly chanted “lynch her“. Elizabeth Eckford wanted an ordinary education and she endured a lot in order to get one. Nobody could possibly take issue with describing her as “brave” because the word clearly applies to the hostility and abuse she faced and not to her, as a black person, wanting the education available to white people.
The same issue applies to disabilities. It is usually rude to describe disabled people as “brave”, because (absent extreme circumstances) the word will be taken to apply to their desire to live a normal life. Suppose you have a friend who is overweight. You would cause great offence in complimenting them on their “bravery” in going out in public. Wanting an ordinary life is not noteworthy and it is wrong to suggest that bodyweight issues (or – to drop my inexact analogy – disabilities) should render it remarkable for someone to expect one.
Rule 9 – Don’t introduce someone’s disability for them unless you’re asked to or you have to
Usually the disabled person is better placed to introduce the issue. They will, after all, have had more experience in doing so than you have. The behaviour is particularly irritating when (as sometimes happens) the person who introduces or – worse still – warns people in advance is visibly proud having dealt with what they regard as an “embarrassing” issue discreetly. In fact, all that they have done is to stigmatise it.
Rule 10 – Challenge offensive behaviour from others
As with sexism or racism at work, there is no standing on the side lines with disabilities. In some organisations a number of cultural issues foster prejudiced behaviour. Of these, perhaps the most significant, and to my mind depressing, is the failure of colleagues to challenge behaviour that is offensive. One might have casually relayed a comment like “The Timbuktu office were concerned about involving you in their matters given your disability, but they seem happy now they have worked with you“. The difficulty with statements of this kind is that the person who is reporting them seems to have felt no imperative to challenge them. Perhaps the most frequent for deaf people who have struggled to hear is “Oh it is not X’s fault, he is very softly spoken“. One is far less likely to encounter prejudice in cultures in which these behaviours are identified and challenged (by saying, for example, “X is a good lawyer. Why are you so preoccupied with the fact he uses a wheelchair?” or “it was rude of you to make no effort to speak-up when X kept asking you to“).
Rule 11 – If you get it wrong don’t hide behind “only trying to help“
Very often one will see people seek to exonerate quite offensive behaviour on the footing that “they were only trying to help“. As anyone who suggests that a colleague loses weight discovers, “only trying to help” can be a poor excuse. Patronising attitudes have identified or defined the problem that was being “helped” with. Introducing someone’s disability for them (or “warning” others in advance of it) is often a prime example.
If you have got something wrong, then a short sincere apology, recognising and correcting it is all that is needed. If you make it and mean it, then you are entitled to expect it to be accepted and to move on. Almost always, it will be accepted. In fact, so rarely do people apologise, you may well find that you have earned real respect from the episode.
Rule 12 – Be careful of the implications of some criticisms
People should not be insulated from criticism just because they have a disability, but there are a couple about which you should be particularly cautious. First, the suggestion that the consequences of people’s disabilities are in some way “options” that they have selected for themselves is a particularly serious one. Statements such as ”He hears what he wants to” (particular common in the 1980’s and early 1990’s) or “are you sure you can’t read that?” should not be made lightly – as they often are. Often they are prompted by the speaker thinking that if the disabled person could do one thing on one day, he ought to be able to do it on another.
In fact, the impact of some disabilities can be hard to predict. Indeed a disabled person may not at any given moment be sure what he or she can or cannot do. Often it will depend on the effect of contextual matters that are hard to anticipate. Someone with dyslexia may be able to read individual words with great effort but that does not mean that they will be able to formulate sentences and retain them in their working memory in the same way as someone without it. Similarly, as a deaf person I am very often not entirely sure if I have heard something or not. Often it will take me a while to work it out from its context. The consequence is that some disabled people are constantly doubting both their own judgement and the effect of their disability. As someone with a cognitive disability once said to me “I am not sure whether I am making excuses“. This is a common anxiety for those with sensory and cognitive disabilities.
Similarly, just like translating or typing for hours on end, straining to read, hear or speak – particularly for long periods and under pressure – can be exhausting. Very often I will finish what I regard as a good working day quite early but I will feel particularly drained if it has involved a lot of concentration in following dialogue. “You don’t listen” or “You aren’t concentrating” may be perfectly fair criticisms, but you should look to other possible explanations before making them.
Rule 13 – Do not engage in tokenism and do not pressurise disabled colleagues to endorse it
It is currently very important to many large organisations to be seen as diverse and inclusive. Counterparties and clients can insist upon diversity credentials and an attractive image plays an important part in the recruitment market. Sometimes, however, the efforts that are expended on external publicity relating to disability outstrip the reality within the organisation of how disabled people are treated. Many organisations assume that they are good with disabilities simply because that is how they would like to see themselves. Disabled colleagues may view things differently. Listen to those with work affecting disabilities before promoting the organisation as a good place for disabled people to work. They should never be used as pawns in PR campaigns. Of the various rules of etiquette described above, this one is amongst the most important.
So where does that get us?
Many people are anxious about saying or doing “the right thing”. In fact, “the right thing” is almost always to treat disabled people normally. They are rarely offended by people saying or doing “the wrong thing”. They are more usually annoyed by the assumption or attitude that led to it. I think the key rules are:
(a) Treat disability as an ordinary characteristic, but do not define people or describe their issues by making unnecessary reference to it;
(b) Beware of assuming that a disabled person cannot do things unrelated to their disability;
(c) Offer help when you think it will be needed;
(d) Before you do, make sure the offer is not based on a patronising assumption;
(e) Make the offer to the disabled person and not to those with them;
(f) When you do offer, simple ordinary phrases like “need a hand?“, “can I help” or “what helps” are generally easiest;
(g) Don’t persist in asking when the disabled person says they don’t need help; and
(h) If you get it wrong, apologise in a way that shows you understand and mean it. Then move on.
If you don’t apologise, don’t think of disabilities as something separate and unrelated to your working conduct. Expect your working relationship to be damaged, as it will be by any other kind of discriminatory or rude behaviour.
Robert Hunter
12th September 2014